


NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS

by saltedpin



Category: Dissidia: Final Fantasy
Genre: Community: let_it_loose_df, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-26
Updated: 2011-10-26
Packaged: 2017-10-24 23:38:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/269191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltedpin/pseuds/saltedpin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vaan just KNOWS Onion Knight is itching to tell him all his secrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally a fill on [~let_it_loose_df](http://let-it-loose-df.livejournal.com).
> 
> Some slight warnings: This is quite canon-bending -- Tidus and Laguna are never on Team Cosmos at the same time, for example, and Squall doesn't know that Laguna is his father -- this fic kind of puts that to one side for the sake of humour.
> 
> Also, warning for a suggestion of an underage character's sexuality.

Vaan was very concerned.

For three days in a row now he had watched the Onion Knight furtively creep from his tent under the cold light of dawn, carrying a large bundle that appeared to be his bedsheets in his arms. He would quietly slip away from the camp, returning roughly fifteen minutes later, the bundle now sopping wet – which Vaan could only assume was from it having been doused in the river. What was even more perplexing was that, only an hour or so later, the Onion Knight would emerge from his tent, yawning as if he had just woken up, greeting everyone as if this was the first time he had been outside.

Vaan knew that the Onion Knight thought of him as something close to an older brother – no, _as_ an older brother! – and he felt therefore it was his responsibility to make certain nothing was amiss with the young warrior. He knew the Onion Knight might not want to tell him what was up with him at first – he was always like that – but beneath it all, Vaan KNEW that he was just itching to tell him all his secrets. He was just still getting used to having an older brother. Vaan knew these kinds of things took time, especially when everyone else insisted on treating the Onion Knight as if he were a fully capable young adult.

No, just _asking_ the Onion Knight directly would never do. Instead, Vaan devised a plan.

It was a long, cold night sleeping out in the open by the river, but it was worth it the next morning when he was awoken by the Onion Knight’s outraged sputter. “What are _you_ doing here?”

“Hey little brother!” Vaan said, standing and pulling the twigs and leaves out his hair. “I thought you might need some help with, uh, that.”

He motioned towards the bundle of sheets that the Onion Knight was clutching fiercely to his chest.

“No – no I don’t,” the Onion Knight stammered. “In fact, I was just leaving.”

Vaan smiled encouragingly. “Don’t worry, kid, you can tell me anything!” He looked furtively in both directions. “Is it something to do with Chaos?”

“Is _what_ something to do with Chaos?” Onion Knight asked.

“The way you always come down here morning after morning, carrying that bundle of sheets,” Vaan said. “You don’t have to be scared, I just want to help you out.”

Onion Knight looked horrified. “Have you been _spying_ on me?”

Vaan held up his hands. “Not spying! Just keeping a brotherly eye out. It’s what brothers do for each other, you know?” He smiled.

The Onion Knight backed up against a tree, somehow managing to look both enraged and terrified. “It’s none of your _business –_ ” he started.

“Of course it’s my business!” Vaan said happily. “I’m sure Cosmos wouldn’t want you to be feeling alone, _especially_ if you’re having some trouble with Chaos warriors that means you, uh… “ Vaan paused. “Need to wash your sheets… every morning. Oh. Uh.”

Onion Knight had turned the colour of his shorts. “ _Excuse_ me,” he said, his voice acidic, as he turned and hurried away.

“Oh dear,” Vaan said, scratching his hair, and suppressing a proud sigh. His little bro was growing up so fast.

***

It was not often that anyone other than the Warrior of Light called a camp meeting, and usually then it was only to lecture everyone at length about the need to not give up, to fight until the end, to be always ready, and so on and so forth ad nauseam. Everyone was very curious as to why Vaan had felt the need to call one, and why exactly they had been instructed to keep it entirely secret from the Onion Knight.

Standing in front of the campfire, Vaan struck a pose, raising one foot to rest on a stump and leaning on his raised knee with his elbow.

“Everyone,” he said, when they were all seated. “I’ve called you all here today as Onion Knight’s older brother to discuss a very important matter with you all.”

In the half-light, he could see the other Cosmos warriors blinking in confusion. Except Cloud, who looked about as disinterested as he did in everything, and Squall, who just looked annoyed.

He decided to get to the point.

“It’s come to my attention that our young friend has reached…” he paused, looking for the right words. “…a very delicate stage in his development.”

No one said anything. Vaan thought he saw Squall roll his eyes.

“So,” he continued, “I’d really appreciate it if you were all extra-thoughtful towards him during this time.” Vaan smiled winningly. He had spent a lot of time coming up with this speech. He was very proud of it.

Firion raised his hand. He always did that, despite the fact that no one had ever established any rule saying that he should.

“I’m confused,” he said. “What has actually happened? Has someone done something to Onion Knight?”

Vaan paused. He had not expected this. “Well… no…” he began.

Cecil interrupted him. “Excuse me Vaan, but I believe I can clear this up.” He turned to Firion. “You see, when a man and a woman… um…” he trailed off as Kain turned to stare at him from beneath his helmet. “Or a man and a man,” Cecil hastily amended, “when they… love each other very much, sometimes they – they – well they have _thoughts_ about one another.”

Firion was hanging on Cecil’s every word – agog.

“And sometimes these thoughts make the man get excited. And he has dreams that make him feel nice,” Cecil finished. He looked pleased with himself.

Firion raised his hand again. “Oh!” he said brightly. “Like that dream I had about Tidus and a bowl of rice pudding?”

“WHAT?” Tidus yelped, suddenly tuning back in after having spent the last three minutes staring absently into space.

“Oh, I remember Squall’s first wet dream,” Laguna said fondly. “He wouldn’t tell me what it was about, so I read his diary. Oh boy, Seifer! Someone needed to take the stick _out_ of that boy’s butt, not stick one _up_ \--“

“I’LL KILL YOU,” screamed Squall, leaping to his feet. He had to be physically restrained by Cloud and Cecil from murdering Laguna on the spot.

“I’m sorry,” the Warrior of Light broke in, “but I don’t see what any of this has to do with fighting Chaos.” One of his rare thoughts seemed to cross his mind. “Unless this is some foul trick of the enemy to pit us against one another?” He paused, staring into space for a moment. “I suppose that would certainly explain why Garla –“ he cut himself off mid-sentence, coughing into his hand

Bartz and Zidane, who had been quietly giggling until this moment now could no longer contain their guffaws. Zidane almost fell face-first into the campfire as he rolled around on the ground, kicking his legs. One of them caught Squall in the groin, which at least meant that Cloud and Cecil no longer had to worry about him breaking free of their grasp and stabbing his father repeatedly in the face.

Vaan was very sad. This was not going according to plan at all. He was just about to try to redirect everyone’s attention back to himself, when he caught sight of a small figure in the shadows. _Uh-oh._

“What are you guys doing?” Onion Knight asked as he strolled into the circle around the campfire.

In the moment before Zidane and Bartz collapsed into hysterics again, Vaan realised he would have a lot of explaining to do.

The end.


End file.
